Thack You: Complaints regarding our cold snap

Larry Thack missed the first half of “The Bachelor” because the Georgia-Alabama game was so compelling

We’ve had quite a little spell of cold weather recently and I need to outline how poorly we, as a community, have dealt with it.
After church I like to go to the courthouse fountain and exchange pennies for dimes and quarters. This past week I found it completely frozen and impenetrable to my sharp, knifey claws. Unacceptable, town!
As usual when it gets below 50 degrees they close the schools. This starts a bevy of problems for me. Last Monday the children hit the streets with vigor. For quite a little bit I was too frightened to leave the house and get the mail. When finally I thought it was safe to trot to the post box I found no letters but a bundle of unflattering pictures of me drawn by the neighbor kids. I limped, sadly back to my hovel to prepare for their next attack. The children broke for lunch and returned just as the water in my birdbath was melting only to urinate in it – a classic prank they continue to pull on me. I’m safe from them by late afternoon when they default to normalcy: clogging the drive thru at Chickfila, then going into a coma in front of a TV set until their parents get home, when they scream until bedtime.
During all of this coldness I had to take down my Christmas decorations. Most of my neighbors will wait til the thaw, or March, whichever comes first. For several years now my window wreaths have been occupied by a swarm of house sparrows the instant I put them up. I must endure bird attacks as I take them down and this cold only makes their pecking at my face hurt all the more.
Then there’s my collection of maladies. Certainly it’s no fun living with Marfan Syndrome when it’s cold. I already feel cold throughout the day and even the layers of wool and precious animal furs cannot protect me from the weather outside. Fortunately I also have thyroid issues and constantly feel hot so this produces a mania that distracts me from the discomfort. In turn, the mania results in feuding with my mail carrier. Trench foot runs in my family and it acts up during the cold. A Thack has fought, and contracted Trenchfoot, in every American war and conflict. I shall collapse onto my chesterfield now and take a nap.

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