Oral Gratification

Lee St. John, a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, is a #1 Amazon ranked humorous author. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter (@LeeStJohnauthor), and on her blog at www.leestjohnauthor.com.

I am not a dentist. I just play one at home but I promise you I can save you some money for you or your children. You dentists out there reading this, stop now. You don’t want to know the information I am passing on.
I don’t fear dentists now but as a little girl my hometown dentist was terrifying. If you are of a certain generation like I am (BABY BOOMERS), you will remember that dentists worked on Saturdays for people like us…a teacher and her daughter. We visited the dentist during the week in the summers.
This hometown dentist had a stomach ailment that caused his lower torso (which was leaning in close to my ear as he worked in my mouth) to erupt in a cacophony of intestinal sounds. He was miserable and made me miserable because he yelled at me a lot telling me to “Breath through your nose!” Yeah, that was going to help me relax. When he yelled one too many times which upset me, I threw up on him.
But I digress.
Let me give you my ‘how to play dentist’ techniques that worked fabulously for me. You can try this at home. I say go for it.
I inherited my mother’s diastema, which is the space between your front teeth caused by the muscle behind them. Mother’s and mine were between the upper front two teeth. I wanted to rid myself from this Alfred E. Newman-Mad-Magazine-Cover-gap. The rest of my teeth were perfectly straight and I never had to wear braces and only had a few cavities. One dentist told me once, “You are not going to help me pay for my dental practice.” And, readers, you too, will now have the Lee St. John’s DO-IT-YOURSELF-DENTAL-GUIDE to help you avoid costs as well. Dentists – here’s another warning!
With the help from a high school classmate who wore braces, I borrowed and attached two rubber bands from his roll of bands around my four front teeth and forced those upper incisors together. It only took two weeks, too. One hour a day in our French I class times two weeks = 10 hours. Think how much money you are going to save! There’s your first lesson.
Second lesson is a little trickier. When I told my students this next story, because they were underage, I referred to my long neck glass container as a Coca-Cola bottle. But since you all are over the drinking age, YOU KNOW what that amber bottle was in reality. So, from the beginning: I was in an establishment that served ice-cold foamy refreshments in tall bottles. While holding mine in my right hand near my mouth, someone pushed by me, hit my elbow causing the long neck to bump into a front tooth. Hurting, I rubbed my tongue over the spot and realized there was a crevice along the bottom edge.
When I returned home, I looked in my bathroom mirror and saw the open arc on my front tooth where there hadn’t been one just the hour before. OMGosh! Now what? Can you guess what I did to correct that tooth chip? Since I am a do-it-yourselfer, I took my angel hair nail file and….WHY NOT? I was already numb from the contents of that amber long-neck glass bottle. I had to be careful not to take off too much so as to keep it pretty even with the twin tooth…or hit a nerve.
Don’t let your dentist know about these dental tips. I am trying to help you out here, obviously, saving you big bucks for such little problems. I mean, I’ve been figuring out my own teeth dilemmas for years. At this moment, I’ve lost my tooth-grinding protector and am using pacifier. So, you’re welcome.
I should have gone to dental school but my high school grades wouldn’t let me.

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